I’m feeling a little haunted these days, still unsettled by an encounter we had back in Tissa last week, and troubled that I’m troubled by it. The W5’s aren’t that important, but we crossed paths for a while by a traveling couple in search of accommodations - more specifically, a middle-aged matronly Irish woman and her young(er) long curly-haired & bearded Sri Lankan boyfriend. A mirror of sorts, and they, or my reaction to them, freaked me out. A wave of judgement and criticism washed over me, and I found them profoundly unappealing, maybe even abhorrent! Not them personally, nor their relationship, of which I knew no details, but the specter of them, the assumptions their being together brought so immediately to the forefront. It kind of horrified me to think that this must be how Dinesh and I appear to strangers, that we must engender the same assumptions (“what can they possibly have in common?” “she must have money and is buying sexual companionship” “she’s too old/he’s too young” “that’s just Wrong” etc). My mind was trying so hard to distance and differentiate myself from her (note the adjective "matronly"), Us from Them… a defensive reaction, obviously, because the meeting triggered a confrontation with my own unease about my relationship with D. Even in the moment I knew my discomfort wasn’t about them, but about us. And that is troubling. I am confused. Uneasy. At once connected to this person and staring rather hopelessly across the yawning chasm between us. Language and culture. Class and education. While it can all feel quite immaterial at times, when it seems we are just 2 spirits or 2 bodies meeting in space and time, when it feels like (or even possible that) we are really Seeing one another, and Meeting… but it is not insignificant, not in the day to day, and not in the long run. I have been telling myself that I just need to stay present, to be patient and let things become clear; that as long as I am honest I can “do no wrong”… but really, what does honesty mean when you barely speak the same language?! Expressing the simplest (seeming) emotion can be like describing a sunset to one who was born blind. Exasperating, futile-feeling, sometimes sad. Sometimes I tell myself (since there’s no one else to talk to in English!!!) that this is an opportunity to unpack what I think “a relationship” is - my needs and expectations of relationship have certainly changed radically, so maybe this is a chance to rewrite the book.… at other times, tho’, this seems like a weak and convenient capitulation, a “settling for less”. i don’t know that there’s a ‘right’ answer. I’m working with it all, doing (usually) my best, trying my darnedest. god help us all :)
1 Comment
pat
10/26/2016 04:11:45 pm
Yes - there are a lot of components to your relationship with Dinesh - some of them part of you two and so much all the garbage we've been carefully taught. I think you're right - you just have to pay attention, but you are NOT matronly, good grief, in those shots with the kids, you might not even be an adult.
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