Oh man.the day has dawned, with a mixture of dread, nerves, and anticipation… I know I have been making a big dramatic deal over this, because for me it IS a big deal - but I also acknowledge that thousands of people have done this before me, and many thousands more live their lives in this way, without writing poems about it or going on and on about snake bites and spiders and such! So, forgive me my excesses in this regard. I am very excited and very very curious...& nervous!!! A poem, then… :)
into the forest goodbye air conditioned room hello heat goodbye fans hello still, heavy air goodbye conversation hello Silence goodbye self-direction hello Surrender goodbye satiation hello hunger goodbye loneliness hello Solitude goodbye self-centeredness hello Humility goodbye sleep hello torpor goodbye mattress hello concrete slab goodbye pillow hello wooden block goodbye escape hello bugs, hello snakes, hello mind, doubt, selfishness, boredom, hello anger, impatience, irritation, fear, fear, fear. goodbye self hello Self
1 Comment
boonies 2
It is Tuesday morning here. I’ve just returned from my ATM-seeking mission (successful) and am taking refuge under the air-con in my room. Tomorrow, a tuk-tuk in to downtown and bus to the monastery, and into Silence. My appetite for adventure is at an all-time low. I feel like I have quite bottomed out on solo travel, on heat, on not speaking the language of wherever I am. My thoughts seem to turn toward “home” more often than I’d like, even though I am looking forward to the retreat and to travel in Sri Lanka thereafter… So I want to make clear that my experience of Thailand is marred by where I am at - it is no fault of Thailand’s whatsoever! I read up on history and culture last night, and also got a sense of what it is possible to see and experience here, and it is awe-inspiring. There is no point in regret; my ill-informed choices were centered around getting to & from this retreat with as much ease and as little hassle as possible, and to that end, I suppose I have succeeded - just hasn’t given me much of a representative taste of all that this beautiful country and its people have to offer/share. So be it. Perhaps some day I will return and do the place justice. Also for the record, the language no longer sounds “harsh” to my ears - the tension I perceived was in situations where people WERE tense - in busy transport offices, hustling from shuttles to taxis to tuk-tuks, etc. I have also received much gentleness and sweetness, likely more than my due, and I want to acknowledge that, When I left Suchada Villa, outside of Khanom, the woman who fed me every day came to say goodbye, and gave me a huge long hug!!! I almost cried! Sweet soul, that one. Anyway, I moved from Khanom into Suratthani yesterday. Booking site touted this place as being “CENTRALLY LOCATED!!!”, etc… well, joke’s on me - I moved from rural isolation to urban-industrial isolation, and am in the middle of urban nowhere!!! 8 km, I’m told, from the “central plaza” and 10km from downtown. Oh well… it’s kind of a cool little place - all the rooms are made from shipping containers! Cute concept, and with the windows, clean bathrooms, etc, quite pleasant. Plus there are 3 adorable puppies kicking around :) I have discovered that the little house shrines in all the yards are for the house spirits, so they have their own place and don’t feel inclined in inhabit the actual house (where the people live). According to Lonely Planet, if you make improvements on your house, you must also do so to the spirit house, lest they feel slighted. Anyway, here’s a few pics - often hard to get close enough for good shots. I may post one more time before heading off to Wat Suan Mokh, and if so, will include a final selection of random pics from my strange visit here :) 1) the chance of ashes
(a short poem about emotions using well-worn cliches and answers.com for grammar check) sometimes it can feel as if one is rushing around putting out fires. but with each fire, there are ashes. and from each pile of ashes, a phoenix. and with all all of these phoenixes taking to the sky, the force of their wings, together, can move clouds and mountains, clearing the way for Light. 2) a picture-poem full moon on xmas night and a call from kathleen. i am so fortunate and so grateful. sleep now, perchance to dream.
taken on the fly, as an un-artful but sweet memento of our beach encounter this xmas day. thank you dog friend <3
...the bananas, a christmas gift from the owner of Suchada Villa (the lovely woman who is also the aforementioned great cook at the restaurant). the beer, a gift from me to myself. it's steaming hot, sun bakes flesh in between showers, and i am hiding out until later in the afternoon. Chanukah and Solstice having already passed, i'll sign off with a Merry Xmas to All, and to All a Good Night. ho ho ho.
After 30+ hours of rain, morning broke with a bright blueness today. Paradoxically, my own mind was clouded by a hormonal shade of grey for which the sky’s suggestion was no match. I know enough about this clockwork-perfect infection of my spirit to watch for it, recognize it, and give all thoughts that spring from it no undue attention, and still… the day has been a struggle. It is very much like being on a prairie and watching a storm advance from the horizon, pour down on you and then make its way toward the opposite horizon. There is little to be done but let yourself get wet, knowing “this too shall pass”.
Perhaps I am weary, 2 & 1/2 months into this “adventure” - it seems the choices I have made about this leg of the journey have not been the wisest, and are challenging me more than I’d anticipated; the choice to stay in a hotel “off the beaten track”, outside of an already small town, with no means of transport, and 3 words of Thai in my vocabulary (which is about how many words of English the locals have in their own, despite what Lonely Planet says!). There are only 2 other people staying in this hotel, I am alone, it is xmas eve, ETC ETC ETC BLAH BLAH BLAH… yawn…! Whatever, I am struggling to stay positive, and do feel very grateful for the smiles and generosity of spirit of the locals as I trot through my namaste-nod-smile and either hello or thank you, depending on the situation! I make up sign language for things like “waterfall?”, you’ve already seen my drawing of the umbrella… it’s fun, sometimes. The people are warm, beautiful, as helpful as their understanding of my antics will allow, and I am enjoying the butterflies and birds. The little house shrines in every yard are a crazy variety of saturated colors - violets and chartreuses and mustard yellows and blues and fire-engine reds, embellished with gold accents, little plastic figurines (representative of the Royal Family, I think, not deities) and miniature ladders. Offerings left on the bases of these shrines usually seem to include a bottle or 2 of soda pop!! Oh! the woman who runs the little restaurant adjacent to this hotel is an excellent cook and all-round great lady :) What’s going on, in part, is that I don't feel entirely safe. I feel vulnerable as a woman traveling alone, in a way that I did not feel in Indonesia or New Zealand. Yesterday I felt downright nervous on the beach…for no good reason, tho’, as far as i can tell. Could be that Lonely Planet’s warnings about Sri Lanka have prematurely gotten my guard up, I suppose - whatever the reason, it’s not entirely pleasant, nor conducive to doing a bunch of exploring on my own… which, of course, is exactly what I need to do in order not to go batshit crazy!!! Anyway, I’m sure this is not very entertaining reading, but I’m trying to keep it real here - the good, the bad, the ugly…I’m also sure I am exposing some gross character defect or other by admitting these fears/ concerns/ perceived “stresses”… well, thanks for listening… if you still are!!! :)))) The kingdom of Thailand, where I will go sleeved lest the mandelbrot tattoo on my arm, looking very much like an image of the Buddha, gets me imprisoned (I can barely remember how to say “thank you” in Thai, let alone explain fractal geometry, so sleeves just seem easier…!!!), where to my western ear the tongue is harsh and it sounds like everyone’s mad all the time, where thunder shakes the sky from its skin and the rains have not ceased for hours.
This is where I have landed. It has been a period of transit, and as such, I have vowed to reserve judgement, or the formation of a First Impression, until I have my bearings and have explored this place. I am staying on the outskirts of Khanom, a cute little collection of different-colored bungalows recommended in Lonely Planet. There appear to be only 2 other people staying here right now - a couple (surprise!) - yet another older white man with a young Asian woman… again, I don't know their story, so I am trying to hold off on any assumptions, but I have seen many such a couple since Kuta, and I am going to admit; it creeps me out. The kingdom of Thailand day 2 rain rain and more rain! like a beautiful lullaby, punctuated by a cacaphonous symphony of jungle birds and the whiz of 2 & 3 & 4-wheeled vehicles speeding by over wet tarmac. My innate ability to Slow Down, while having perhaps precluded that career as a neurosurgeon or stock trader, serves me well here :) I have a yoga mat and just enough space to unfurl it, I have guided meditations on my iPhone, and i have 2 good books - “Meditation in Action” by Chogyam Trungpa, and “West of Jesus - Surfing, Science, & the origins of belief” by Steven Kotler. The latter the Universe graciously dropped into my lap; I’d read a review of it in Surfer’s Journal some time ago, et voila, there it stared from the shelves of a laundry service-cum-bookstore I stumbled upon in some dank back alley in Kuta 2 days back. All this to say that while “my tan” will not be improving here, it seems, I will be just fine - it’ll be a training period for the Inward Journey i will commence next week :) PS here's how I managed to buy an umbrella... SATURDAY PM the fifth downpour just began. 11:15pm and steaming hot. lightning illuminates half the sky, thunder rolls like a giant pebble in a can. this has been an extraordinary evening, the softest beauty washing over an ugly town. ...many rains later it is SUNDAY now, my last day in Kuta... and on the menu for today? ...electrolytes and charcoal pills...!
yes, with the force of a freight train, Bali Belly hit this morning... me, doubled over, drained of every ounce of strength, wilted and weak like a flower kitten, every pore on my body , from the soles of my feet to my scalp, flooding with sweat,.. FUN TIMES :) Bali, i will miss terribly, Kuta, Not So Much! So i have cancelled surf plans and will stay in hotel, packing and surrendering to the soothing seduction of National Geographic programming on the television, popping charcoal pills and saving my strength for the travel days to come :) |
Author
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2016
Categories |