"I am going to answer this on blog and FB also, but happy to put your mind at ease, or, if not (since that IS up to you), at least give you more information to work with... But first let me say YES - each day is SO full of wonder/ delight/ challenge/thought-provocation... I am so deeply grateful for it all and feel blessed beyond measure ❤️🙏🏽❤️
So, yeah... The Great Cultural Divide...! Culture, class, language... It's a lot and sometimes beyond my grasp. So much I want to say... May be better crafted in subsequent post, but if you'll allow me to "practice" here...? That I represent Opportunity to Dinesh is undeniable, and something I have known from the start, and very occasionally I feel that yearning in him for rescue, and it does raise a little red flag... That said, there is no doubt in my mind that that comprises only a fraction of the feelings he has for me, which feel deep and real and beautiful ( if a tad hyper-romantic and warped - feels like he is informed by saccharine Sri Lankan pop songs and "blue movies"!!!). He is inordinately affectionate and tender, funny, and sweet ( when he isn't being a gruff taciturn Sri Lankan!), a good cook and masseur (who does not merely acquiesce to, but volunteers for, the task), and most importantly a deeply ethical person and champion of the poor and of animals. As for my feelings, they do slightly fluctuate on a daily basis, but I feel quite grounded indeed and miraculously detached in my loving (in the good, Buddhist, way!!!)... There is an imbalance there, for sure, as I feel super grounded in the fact that this feels (mostly) really good now, and/but I will be absolutely ok when & if it ends. As for "cost-benefit analysis", I am supporting us both, yes, under his very frugal guidance, and meanwhile I am being shown deep Sri Lanka that no other "tourist" would get, being taken all over the country, getting all the sex and affection I can handle, and REALLY getting an opportunity to examine the act & art of communication, allowing me to see very clearly my habits and patterns, good and bad. I am learning SOOO much. My therapist once told me, in the hell period of A's & my separation, that if we Do Our Work after such a trauma, the next relationship we are in will likely be at a new and "higher" level... This idea has come back to me often, and at first I felt like I was failing because this did not seem to be the case at all with D & I, but recently I think that there is another take on it ... I cannot say how "evolved" Dinesh would seem if our relationship were mediated through HIS native tongue instead of mine, but whatever "level" he is at spiritually and interpersonally, he is teaching me... It might sound strange and NOT appealing, but in a way, his emotional bad habits offer a piercingly clear mirror of my own, and that actually feels really valuable to me! To be on this side and not the other ( to be the grounded, calm person, mindful in my use of words and tone)... The language gulf is beyond exasperating at times, mixed with his tendency to feel unshakable certainty that his perceptions and perspective are "right" ( uh, I think I know this habit!!!), but I dunno, AV, it is really feeling like An Opportunity. Does that seem crazy? Anyway, I am plodding/skipping along with a We Shall See attitude. When I return in December my focus will be on employment opportunities, and that will decide a lot. If I CAN make a bit of a living here (it's SO cheap), then I will stay for an extended period and save as many dogs as I can. The country and people are so beautiful, the animals so needy, the proximity to Wildness so profoundly soul-feeding, the living interesting, and the surf pretty damn good! Whether or not I stay with Dinesh remains to be seen. Basically (now that I’ve exhausted you), I’d sum up by saying that I feel like both my heart AND eyes are wide open on this one - most certainly I have blind spots, but I feel pretty aware of the power differential ( I am the one with options and, in one sense, “less to lose”). I really try to keep all of this up front where I can see it, and behave responsibly and respectfully. I also try to keep from depending on him too much, to resist the temptation to let him smooth the way too much, make things too easy… More than you bargained for when you asked?! :))) I am anxious to hear your thoughts and wise perspective... Write back when you can, ok? And thanks for your many kind words about the blog - means a lot to me ❤️ Be well, dearest friend xoxox s"
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