(a less than satisfactory recollection & expression :( )
12/30 i arrived at wat san mokh in the afternoon. wide white sand paths huge banyan trees, palms, and the thickest blanket of birdsong, crickets, etc. monks in saffron robes. visitors. shade and quiet of human noise. the temporary women’s dorms gave the impression of having voluntarily entered a women’s prison. dingy squat cinderblock with a small dirt courtyard and a cinderblock fence topped with 3 rows of barbed wire. the rooms dark, containing a wooden platform for sleeping, a straw mat, a mosquito net, one bare bulb, and a wooden pillow. there were maybe 10 of us eventually housed therein, travelers like myself, dharma junkies who were on their 3rd retreat in a row, and one American woman who lives in Singapore, here for her first retreat experience, in fact first meditation experience… AND who is 7&1/2 months pregnant… now there’s some chutzpah! at 6 that evening the monks chant in an open sandy spot near the entrance to the monastery. when i sat down on my plastic mat and arranged myself for stillness, a rooster flapped up into the tree beside me, and perched there, right above my shoulder. as i sat with eyes closed, he crowed 3 times in a mighty voice - “WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” - the suggestion felt very profound, considering the circumstances! around dusk, the cicadas’ song began to get louder and louder, more insistent, more and more voices joining in, sounding like thousands upon thousands of tiny crystal bells ringing, like faerie sleigh bells…the sound had a jagged shifting rhythm to it, but as it intensified it drifted more and more into unity, and when it did all coalesce in synchrony, there was the most eerie harmonic created, deafening and skull piercing, a crystal sonic laser that could bore a hole right through one’s skull, and most certainly melt your earwax! it was the most unearthly, strangely beautiful sound i have ever heard. i will never forget it. first night’s sleep on the wooden platform. i challenged myself not to use my sleeping pad, to see if perhaps i could tolerate that level of “submission” to the experience, could really leave ALL my preconceptions about my needs and my preferences behind. nope. nearly broke my bones. so, ok henceforth, that “special” i will have to allow myself to be. 12/31 7 am truck ride over to the hermitage, across the highway and down a beautiful farm road for several kilometers. arriving felt like losing a hundred pounds of baggage. all the trumped up fears (which i definitely played up for effect in my writing) drained away…SO beautiful, so quiet but for the thrum of forest life. registration and interview. i was asked to consider becoming the yoga teacher for the retreat, as they did not have one (for some undisclosed reason). a lump of dread. i explained it had been a very long time since i’d taught yoga, and while would do it if need be, would rather not if one of the other participants were better qualified. we agreed to meet at 2 that afternoon to discuss and see who else might be able to teach. this whole mental fencing match ensued, feeling on the one hand justified in my reticence, in fact feeling nobly responsible to the other participants who deserved a more experienced teacher, but also knowing that my entire retreat would center around the planning and performance of teaching material i was not comfortable with enough to “wing” each morning, and the entire retreat would be totally NOT about clearing/quieting my mind. on the other hand, i felt disappointed to be playing it safe, to assume the NO rather than embrace the YES, and felt foolish and selfish for wanting to have My Retreat Experience As Planned… as it turned out, there was one other woman, a very experienced teacher, she said, and she was willing to take it on. i felt somewhat guilty for a while, but as it turned out, the Perfect volunteer experience awaited me, one tailored so specifically to my strengths and skills that it truly did feel fated. One of the retreat participants was an amazing french woman named Frederique, who was paraplegic. she showed up the first morning to see how much of the yoga class she could do, and then was absent the second morning. i noticed her absence and offered to teach her a shorter more specific mindful movement class each morning during the second half of our allotted yoga time. she was very interested and appreciative, and so we met back in the dorm each morning for a mix of aikido-feldenvrais-yoga upper body/head &neck - oriented moment session, and it was great!!…AND i got to teach in French!!! it was awesome - for both of us i think. she’s a rockstar - traveling in Thailand in a wheelchair? and going on a rural retreat???!!! super inspiring AND a really great person to get to know. anyway…The Retreat…1/1/2016 the monks…the bhikuni (women novices)…i did not know that human beings were really capable of this degree of grace and integrity, of humility and honesty. i was so moved by them - their actions, their presence, their wisdom, their commitment. i learned SO much from them…<3 Nature… the ponds, the trees, the birds with their dusk and dawn cacophony, the earthworms who crossed the path at certain times of day, the duke (doo-kay) (the giant gecko-like lizards) who honked his call every evening exactly when we were settling for our meditation, the monitor lizard who swam across the three ponds, ascending and descending over the banks between them, and then tiptoe-waddled like a wrestler crawling over hot coals, or a creature with a too-full diaper, off into the forest every afternoon between walking meditation and chanting sessions. the monkeys at lunch. the frogs and toads, singing each night and hopping around in the bathroom areas each morning. the fireflies over the ponds as we took our starlit group walking meditation every night around one of the 3 ponds, lit by beautiful candle lanterns. the STARS - so thick you could barely see black sky behind them. the rare and oh-so-precious occasional breezes… MIND-MELTING HEAT and humidity…i realized at some point that it was the combination of perimenopause and the heat of the tropics that proved such an excruciatingly torturous combination. for me… it was NO JOKE, man…i felt as if i were being cooked alive from the inside, like i had no living muscle tissue left, only cooked meat clinging heavily to my my bones. i nearly went postal twice - like serious psychotic break postal. found myself several times in the dark of 2 am squatting on the floor of my room, with 3” kindergarten scissors in hand, contemplating cutting all my hair off (of course there are no mirrors on retreat) just to try to get a little relief from the heat. wearing any kind of clothing, no less dressing modestly, was a torture, and modesty even calls for wearing a sarong while you are bathing - even in a completely enclosed all female dorm compound…!!! it drove me batshit, and i have to admit one of the very few ways i “cheated” on any of The Agreements we made was that i would try to go and take my “showers” (bowls of water scooped out of a cistern) when no one was around, and just let my sarong fall to the floor. truly this was the hardest part of the retreat - sitting with my mind, doable; adhering to a rigid schedule, doable; eating 2 times a day, and one day only once, doable,; 4 am wake-up, piece o’ cake…even neck pain i found ways to endure… but the heat…nearly killed me. Strangely, tho, and despite the promises to myself that subsequent retreats would be in switzerland or alaska, i think the heat created an almost alchemical shift of consciousness, and i began to have moments where, like NEVER before, i truly felt i was really a part of Nature. the extreme needed for flow state, perhaps. it was so powerful, and words are really failing me right now, but it was one of the particularly extraordinary gifts of this retreat. but to the crux of the matter…what brings one to seek retreat. a desire to meet one’s mind. to sit and quietly face oneself, honestly and without judgement. to see the Truth. yes. and i can say that this happened, amid waves of doubt, fantasies, small-minded knots that formed and dissolved over and over. i saw myself and understood in very new ways. experienced clarity. elation. but Insights are but dazzling bonbons in the face of the grueling work one must do to make meaningful change come from them. realizing this was the true lesson and gift. this, and the sense that this is the most important thing i could hope to do with the rest of my life. and the hardest. <3
2 Comments
Paula
1/19/2016 05:51:42 pm
Beautiful writing Shannon.
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Pat
1/23/2016 01:42:40 pm
I'm so glad you were able to go there and thank you for writing about it, beautifully.
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