In the solitude of the past week, I have dipped and dived, rallied and reveled, and happened upon a little treasure. Such is the promise of Solitude as I know it - I may whine and thrash about in its belly, to express the moment and my experience of it, but I know I will eventually be delivered, spat up on dry land again (or pooped out?… euww…). Had I not been alone here in Thailand, I might not have received this reminder, timely and on point, particularly aligned with certain inchoate stirrings in my heart… In the bowels of my pack there is a Yoga Journal, bought at the airport in the face of some 30+ hours of travel time at the onset of this journey, and, as yet, unread. Yesterday, after a very satisfying Qi Gong class, I retreated to my A/C to wait out the mounting heat & humidity, and picked up the magazine. It was a day of Alignments; the Qi Gong class directly addressing postural “stuckness” in my body, the content of the article I read, and the very fact of reading it after all this time. A perfect trifecta, as it turns out. The article I read was about the purusharthas - “ the 4 aims in life of dharma (duty, ethics), artha (prosperity/wealth), kama (pleasure, sensual gratification), and moksha (the pursuit of liberation)”, and offered a “self-inquiry practice” to work with the purusharthas in one’s own life. As is most assuredly evident in this blog and elsewhere, I have been “in transition” for a long time now, searching within and without, for the best (most meaningful, most sustainable) way to go forward into this “new” chapter of my life; the Third Third, as I have called it. Having divested myself of “home” and most of my belongings, I embarked on a journey of world immersion, a crash course in humanity where a lot of what I thought I knew has come into question - some things have been confirmed while others have had to be tossed out the window. Anyway, the article has provided me with some clarity and inspiration - a framework for my search for the best way to go forward, and a reminder that it is really FORWARD that I want to go; not just onward but upward. In suggesting a practice to engage with in this pursuit, the article reminded me that it is work to go forward, that it takes a conscious choice and a mindful engagement with that choice to make changes in one’s attitudes and behaviors. Time alone might soften some of the edges, wear down some of the sharpest snaggy bits, but rust is rust. My mind ran with this a bit, imagining facilitating a group process where this work could be taken on and supported in community… should I again find myself someday physically in community, I may even take a run at creating this. In the meantime, though, it’s just me, my laptop, and the virtual community my laptop connects me with. In the spirit of this re-alignment process, and the honest self-inquiry it demands, I offer the following piece of writing. It is not pretty, admits things I would rather not, and gives voice to the smallest version of myself, the most stuck, the least pride-worthy… Please, therefore, consider yourself forewarned, and by all means skip it if you are moved to do so - I include it, really, for myself, as a marker, a record of where I am “starting” (again!). “time heals all wounds…” 10/18/16 Time has weaned me, certainly, from certain patterns of thought, but has it “healed” me? It has not brought forgiveness. While I have experienced states of forgiveness, of overwhelming compassion and deep comprehension, these momentary insights have not resulted in lasting convictions. I seem to have accepted the why of certain things, but not yet forgiven the ways and means of them. Unforgiving has become a mental habit, a scab I pick at quite absent-mindedly, a bad tooth I wiggle and don’t notice until the drool runs down my chin. So, personally, I don’t think Time Heals All Wounds… I think Doing The Work heals all wounds, and since the crisis of it subsided, I have not taken that work on with any consistent effort. Instead, I have left it to Time, while, if anything, actively working against that healing process. I assume the worst. So the question is WHY do I choose this - does it feel good? no. does it help me? no. What comfort does the psyche then draw from persisting in putting the most negative spin on certain things? The only answer I have at the moment is that it is my EGO that is still bruised; my ego is still in pain, and this negativity is a shooting-from-the-brainstem reflexive reaction to that pain. I have been building a protective barrier, a nest, collecting the perceived insults against me like fluff and soft grasses, to line this nest and make it Home. It’s hard to see this here, “on paper”, as it were. It is not pretty, not evolved, not something to pride oneself on… but it is honest, I think, and as such can become a first step. I have bothered to write this down because I want to change, I want to do the work, I want to evolve and grow beyond my small and selfish preoccupations… and I would like, ultimately, to be capable of rejoicing in other people’s happiness… everyone else’s… Mark this moment then, as a step toward emancipation, toward taking the helm and realigning every aspect of my life that does not support my aspirations toward freedom and growth. I hereby stand reminded: this is what i want.
2 Comments
Jules
10/19/2016 01:05:59 am
Sending love & courage for the voyage, the work. Jules
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Rochelle kushin
10/19/2016 09:59:45 am
Hard work......but worth every step forward.
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