I’m leaving Sri Lanka in 30 hours and 10 minutes. It’s a transition, therefore I am falling apart…so seems to be the pattern, anyway! Transitions are cracks where groundlessness becomes visible, where all the decisions loom, unmade and heavy, where all of this panics me and submerges me in a soup of inchoate emotion. Could be horror-moons, but the emotions are real enough - sad to leave D; concerned about the prospect of more heat and discomfort; fear that I will return only to discover that I am unable to hack living in the tropics long-term and will thus have to cook up yet another Plan to give this part of my life Shape and Meaning; a few old, bitter remnants that still cling to the corners of my heart like burnt popcorn to the bottom of the pot… there’s a lot in the mix right now, Even as I look forward to discovering and exploring Chiang Mai and to returning to Suan Mokh for retreat, there is a part of me that wants to be headed somewhere cold, wants to be “going home”… only I don’t know where that is, which is upsetting if not plain old Depressing.
This morning, as we drove from rainforest and cinnamon and tea up into cloud forest and complete whiteout and back down again, I experienced a luminous moment where I felt like I Understood, where I saw, and more importantly, believed, that life is about just such moments, about putting yourself in the way of Magic - everything else, all the matter of our concerns and worries and preoccupations are just stones on the path to Wonder. It was truly sublime… and then day just became the day and I got worried and sad again, eventually ending up in a confused puddle of tears on the bed of this rather godawful hotel room.… ho hum…!
1 Comment
Rochelle kushin
10/11/2016 10:53:06 pm
Transitions are always filled with mixed emotions!
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Author
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2016
Categories |