My thoughts still had the adrenals of sparrows this dawn, but were wearing firefighter’s boots, clomping and stumbling into things at every turn. Seems I must be patient in these first waking moments, and allow order to emerge from this drunken dance of slipping dream, memory, conjecture, impression. Once organized, however, there’s no telling if I’ll enjoy the landing or the direction thoughts will first take. This morning, it’s dull existentialia - the tired why? why get up? will anyone notice/care if I don’t? Body will eventually intercede, of course, to insist on peeing or drinking coffee or eating food.. but then? It’s a worn-thin song, and it feels ridiculous, if not shameful, that at times I still sing it this far into my human journey. Lacking fresh food, I suppose the mind will chew on any old leftover. Amazing that one can come half way around the world and so soon make this sodden Normal of it! I REALLY need to SURF!!! On the one hand, no more meaningful per se than staring out at the mudflats or even up at the ceiling for that matter, but infinitely more engaging, more bearing promise of possibilities for fresh impressions, input, communion. I can be in love with the sea, be awed by the power and the beauty and the randomness of it. (out of nowhere a Sesame Street sing-song voice pipes up to say “…why, a book can be your friend…!”… why yes, it can, has been, and I’ve just laid my second one down, with no small sadness. ) Seems certain it is time to double up on my Sitting practice - even if that, too, is another flavor of sitting alone, it is connected to a practice, a lineage, and a consciousness wherein we are all connected and never alone…where it counts most. When in doubt, say “Thank You”. Be grateful for the time and energy and space I have, for the bed I sleep on, for the energy and Certainty of the youth that surrounds if not includes me. For the beauty of this place, the ochres and moss greens and browns and jade greens and blues of land sea and sky. It is all an invitation - to dare, to be just a little bit Different, a little bit braver, more willing and inclined to say “yes!”. We are all stumbling to some degree or other, making it up as we go along. Let me take inspiration from those who do it so beautifully and with such slick facility, let me have endless compassion for those others, myself included, for whom it is a more awkward and aching pursuit.
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December 2016
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