wow. have just woken from an absolutely furious dream - a one scene play, starring A and i. i am screaming at him, enraged by his leaving me, having a lover, refusing to try, everything… at one point i am just yelling “fuck you! fuck you! fuck you!” over and over again from another room. and he is, as per usual, as reasonable & dispassionate as a bowl of oatmeal. it was quite awful, and more awful still to think that that anger (pain, really) must still be in me somewhere. ..? i guess i can take some comfort in the fact that such feelings are not part of my normal day-to-day consciousness… : /
hormones playing a big part, for sure - i arrived here quite crampy, and soon thereafter fell into a decidedly blue funk - couldn’t face walking around to explore by myself; alone alone alone was all i felt. alone amidst vacationing lovers, old and alone amongst the young and coupled, alone and absolutely unmotivated to do anything about it, like put myself into the mix and go order a drink at some beach bar… what a drag! i am not taking it all too seriously, just a bit disappointed…i’m in Bali, for god’s sake, but might as well be in Daly City for all the enthusiasm and curiosity i feel. i did, of course, eventually walk down the beach to the “dock”/ “town” once i’d settled in; found a place to rent surf board tomorrow (today!), and then walked back via the road, noting massage places, a few shops, and restaurants to check out over the next few days. in response to this malaise, i tried to contact possible volunteer places (without much luck) - i figure a good dose of helping others and not just more “lounging about picking at my own scabs” (!!!) would probably be a good thing right now! no go with the places i had previously researched, but maybe i will find something “useful” to do my last week here, rather than hunting down surf…?
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December 2016
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