10/21/2015

Waited out 2 meteorological flips this morning before heading out up the tidal flats to find The Horse Woman’s house…and got only across the footbridge that crosses the estuary by the hostel before getting slammed by a 3rd. Walked, therefore, headlong into the squall the whole way to the point, getting thoroughly drenched from head to toe… but I found her house (not her), left a note (in a ziplock bag which I pinned to her door), and walked back under sun and wind and was almost dry by the time I reached town again!
Heartwarming pitstop at the library (wifi-land) to read emails and blog comments (thank you for writing, peeps!!), and now “home”. The weather seems intent now on staying pissy, so I’m hunkering down to write for a bit. My 3 French boys (dormmates) are out being amazed by Raglan, so it’s quiet in here, but for the birds (who, of course, are lovely and not a distraction!)
Awoke in a hormonal shade of blue this morning - nothing devastating, just the weight of mental habit on mind & soul; the subtle conviction that I must be somehow different, other than I am, to be loved, to be worthy of love. It’s rubbish, of course, just Human Condition 101, but it does bubble up from the muck now & then. What it does tell me is that I need to refocus on the practices that heal this early wound - I’ve gotten a little distracted by comings and goings and making travel plans, etc. It is interesting, though, the relationship between our strengths and the limitations they can impose. Helen MacDonald (“H is for Hawk”) wrote a lot about being an observer -  a keen and valuable talent honed from a childhood of “disappearing” herself from the company of humans in favor of watching them. And in sensitivity to the world, the vulnerability to wounding and the propensity for compassion and the care of others. Yin/Yang, Light & Shadow - it has been far more beautifully put elsewhere… but I am listening close, and softening to receive some wisdom about these things :)
The Horse Woman, by the way, is a local woman named Pim, who rehabilitates retired racehorses, and who occasionally, I was told, needs help. I am trying to contact her to offer mine, for the last 2 weeks I’ll be in new Zealand. It’d mean seeing a bit less of this wild & woolly island, but for an experience so dear to my heart, I would make the sacrifice. We shall see what she says, and take it from there.